Donald Trump ate my baby

A family of five met tragedy Tuesday in Virginia after travelling nearly 500 miles to a Trump rally. Arriving early to get seats close to the pulpit, Mike, Jan and their three young children, aged 5 months to 5 years old, donned matching “MAGA” hats and Q-shirts like so many others in the crowd. Before today the Finkle family had never attended a rally or speech, but it would be their last – especially for young Molly who is now missing and presumed dead.

Mike and his kin stood next to a metal barrier at the front of the stage as Donald Trump stepped out of the wings and headed towards them, addressing the crowd and shaking hands as he mouthed thank-yous and pointed at compelling signs. Jan’s excitement mounted when the President approached them and her heart leaped when he gestured towards Molly, who was named after Melania. Jan raised her camera, still in disbelief that she was capturing video of the President of the United States holding and kissing their daughter. She thought about how Molly would cherish this memento for her entire life.

But that’s when elation suddenly turned to horror. To Mike and Jan’s shock, Trump quickly unhinged his entire jaw and shoved Molly down his throat in one swift motion. She was gone, and before they could comprehend what happened the President had moved on, glad-handing people further down the row.

At first the couple stared in disbelief. No one around them seemed to be reacting, or even to have noticed that the child was now missing and had, in fact, been swallowed whole by the current sitting President. After only a second of shock, Mike began shouting frantically at the entourage. His yells were dwarfed by the roar of the crowd that was now whipped into a frenzy by the appearance of their beloved leader. Mike attempted to jump the barrier, only to be grabbed by security and escorted out of the building, ejected from the rally with his devastated wife still inside.

Getting no one to believe his outrageous tale, Mike was unable to re-gain entry into the event. Eventually his wife and remaining children found him, and they have been trying to tell their story to the press ever since. All major networks were on location to cover the rally, but only The Smoking Donkey was brave enough to bring it to you.

“Donald Trump ate my baby!” Jan Finkle asserted between sobs, “and everyone acts like it didn’t happen! I want my Molly back!”

Mike Finkle understandably had similar sentiments, “Donald Trump is a monster, and like the snake he spoke about, I guess we should have known he would bite us. Don’t let your baby be the next to go down like a stack of greasy cheeseburgers.”

With the announcement of 1400 new dead babies every year, thanks to the EPA’s proposed relaxed regulation on coal-based power, the President’s appetite is clearly growing.

That makes this jackass smoking mad!

Update: Local police report that Mike and Jan Finkle are now being investigated in relation to the disappearance of Molly Finkle, their 5 month old daughter.